So You’re In a Relationship
Originally published April 2004
So you’re in a relationship. You have my congratulations or condolences—whichever you may need at the moment. But “happily ever after” crowd be forewarned: this column is not for you. Because “happily ever after” relationships are a lot like driving across Kansas: you can be asleep half the time and know everything’s gonna look just the same when you wake up, even if you’re the one driving.
No, this column is for the 98% of us who can’t get it right. Those of us who blindly stumble from relationship to relationship without ever stopping to examine the train wrecks in our wakes. So I have taken it upon myself to identify the five stages of the Terminal Relationship (for my editor, Craig: relationshippium non-salvagius). Stage 1: Extreme Intoxication; Stage 2: Total and Utter Delusion; Stage 3: Monotony; Stage 4: The End; and Stage 5: Give Me Back My Stuff. Warning #2: This column offers no solutions whatsoever, so if you find your way to Stage 2.5: Happily Ever After, it won’t be because of anything you read here.
STAGE 1: Extreme Intoxication
You wake up next to someone who may or may not have been better looking the night before. The haphazard trail of clothes leading to the bedroom answers the “did we or didn’t we” question. You decide to do it again.*
Signs that you are in Stage 1:
The odor of stale beer and smoke.
Phrases like “this time it’s different” and “I’ve never felt like this before.”
Showering with your phone on the bathroom sink just in case they call.
Time Frame/Duration: 1 day–2 weeks
STAGE 2: Total and Utter Delusion
You’re seeing each other roughly 10 days a week. You can’t imagine how you ever survived one-tenth of a nanosecond without this person who can do no wrong. If you aren’t talking to them, you’re talking about them. Even you know you’re nauseating. You can’t name one piece of furniture (or stable surface or appliance) in your apartment you two haven’t done it on.
Signs that you’re in Stage 2:
Your friends threaten suicide if you mention your beloved’s name one more time.
Every day holds another stupid anniversary.
Moronic pet names (reference: Seinfeld “Schmoopie” episode).
Time Frame/Duration: 1–6 months, dependent upon how quickly someone says, “I love you.”
STAGE 3: Monotony
You’ve heard all their stories—twice. The dress code is now sweats and torn t-shirts. Thongs have been replaced by granny panties. Sex is like athletics practice: Once you’re there you have a great time, but getting to the field is a pain in the ass.
Signs you’re in Stage 3:
You’d rather listen to the voices in your head than the person you’re dating.
You don’t know if it’s Tuesday or Thursday and you don’t care because it doesn’t matter. The grass on the “single” side of the fence looks like Ireland after a nice spring rain.
Time Frame/Duration: 6 months to whenever you get out.
STAGE 4: The End
The quirks and idiosyncrasies that were once cute now make you think about clubbing them in their sleep. His face is in tatters because she used his razor. He puts the seat down and blindfolds himself before peeing, then puts the seat back up. And all you’re having now is hall sex (you pass in the hallway and tell each other to f**k off).
Signs you’re in Stage 4:
Conversations that start with
“It’s not you it’s me…”
“I think we need a break.”
“Who’s your new friend?”
Time Frame/Duration: 1 day–2 years, depending on your level of self-loathing.
STAGE 5: Give Me Back My Stuff
It’s over. You tell yourself it’s their loss, and they weren’t good enough for you anyway. You begin the hunt for the transitional one, picking up rebounds along the way. You pack up all the crap they left at your place, make “the exchange” and have sex one more time.
Then, you go on a hideous bender that includes an attractive stranger, and the morning after hear yourself saying, “This time it’s different. Seriously, I’ve never felt like this before…”
*Author’s Note: This article was compiled after years of painstaking research and should in no way be construed as autobiographical. Friends of the author plead the fifth as well.
