An Open Letter To The Makers Of Meow Mix (And An Aside To Vermont Highway Patrolmen Mac And Foster…)

Originally published April 2005

To whom it may concern at the Meow Mix factory:

I take issue with your claim that Meow Mix is the cat food that “tastes so good cats ask for it by name.”

And here are some alternate names for your product that may be more appropriate:

Hiss Mix

Scratch, Claw And Be Generally Disagreeable Mix

Get This Bowl The Hell Away From Me Mix

Any of the above would be a satisfactory replacement based on my recent experience with your product. Truth be told, I have not personally tried your product, as I am human and kibble doesn’t appeal to me. But I know an angry cat when she crosses my path, and I am living with the mother of all angry cats right meow. She actually rolled over and played dead in front of her bowl, which I had recently filled with your cat food. Since you presume to be such cat experts, what is it you think she was asking for that time?

Of course she is only one cat, and not necessarily representative of felines everywhere. And it’s true, she doesn’t meow. Ever. Whether that’s because she can’t meow or chooses not to is still a matter of great debate. My point, meowever, is that cats are of a severely limited vocabulary and I think your assertion that anytime a cat opens its meowth and makes the one and only noise we’re sure all cats (except mine) make that they are asking for your cat food smacks of self-righteousness.

There could be a number of meows that mean different things. What if it’s a meow for help? Or a feeble feline attempt to plead for IAMS? What if the very thought of another meowthful of your kibble makes cats meow in terror? Did you ever consider that Meow Mix?

Of course you didn’t because you and all your animal feeding cohorts have been making bogus assertions for years and are too busy touting weirdly irrelevant product features to realize just meow ridiculous you sound. And here’s one odd meowncement I saw the other day: “Now in fun shapes!” Is it me or your marketing people who are insane? (Don’t answer that.) I ask you, meow is that a selling point? I have never—not once—caught my cat trying to bang a round peg into a square hole with her paw. And until I do, I’m not going to worry that a lack of shape variety is somemeow stunting her emotional growth.

But my personal favorite is that from time to time you herald the arrival of your products’ “new and improved taste.” Says who? To be perfectly frank, that’s where your whole industry lost credibility with me. I’d like to see the data. The transcripts of conversations your research and development teams had with these focus groups of Tabbies, Calicoes, German Shepherds and Poodles. Animals that not only willingly eat garbage, but actively seek it out.

Or am I realizing my greatest fear right meow as I consider the preposterous notion that you have human taste-testers? Because that opens a new universe of questions I probably don’t want the answers to. Have you somemeow determined that human taste buds and animal taste buds are similar? What sort of qualifications must one possess to secure this type of position? Do you serve a sorbet between courses or just ask The Tasters to drink from the toilet to clear their palates? And in case you were wondering, yes, these questions—and others—will keep me awake at night.

But, I suppose, in all fairness, I should disclose that my cat thinks she’s a dog. I recently got her to stop drinking from the toilet, but fetch is still a part of our daily routine. She likes to have her belly scratched and wags her tail when she’s happy. She’s not normal, which makes us a perfect match. And I did name her Astro. Maybe she caught one too many episodes of The Jetsons and thinks she’s a Great Dane who belongs to a guy named George.

So maybe I should just buy her a bag of dog food and get back to you.

P.S. For Troopers Mac and Foster, and for those of you counting at home, that was 17.