Everyday Superheroes
Originally published December 2003
Preface: There’s a running joke among Hilton Head locals about all the tourists from Ohio, and at the time this was first penned, South Carolina was not a “free-pour” state—they still used mini-bottles for alcohol. What’s Shag’s? Shag’s is/was a bar (den of iniquity, more accurately) that is open all night long. That being said…
The world needs new superheroes. Superheroes who can help us navigate the baffling quagmire we call dating. And to be fair we’ll create two: one for men and one for women. Now, the savvy local who knows the ins and outs, as it were, of island dating may not need the services of these superheroes. After all, anyone who has lived in a small, resort town for more than 6 months, and has the sense God gave a lemon, knows better than to involve him/herself with someone staying for an unspecified amount of time (read: more than 3 to 7 days). Ignoring the time-honored tradition of “Tourist Tagging” invariably leads to unnecessary long-term drama and plastic smiles that would make The Mattel Company drool. And since this great country of ours has a place called “Ohio,” Hilton Head need not fear running out of a fresh supply of, well, let’s just call them options. But with the winter months coming even the most sensible among us can slip. So, without further ado I submit the prototypes for relationship superheroes Straightforward Man and Rational Girl.
First, for the ladies, let me introduce Straightforward Man. He has no ludicrous timetable that determines how long he should wait before calling you. He calls when he says he will. He will not introduce himself to your breasts. He realizes that dating does not signal the end of life as he knows it. Straightforward Man will not go AWOL. He’ll get you naked through old-fashioned hard work, not flowery manipulation punctuated with a flurry of empty mini-bottles. His idea of foreplay will go beyond the words “brace yourself.”
He will not bolt because a week’s supply of French Vanilla Slim-Fast found its way into his refrigerator. You will not have to fake your orgasms with Straightforward Man because he will know what he is doing. If you cry he will not react as if all four horsemen of The Apocalypse are bearing down on him simultaneously. He will not bed your best friend and ask if you want to join. When it’s “over” he will not act like a 2-year-old until you break up with him. He will be considerate. Straightforward Man will always be where he says he’s going to be. He will bring flowers and trinkets for reasons other than softening the blow when he tells you he knocked up a neighbor/ex/some girl from Cleveland. He won’t choke if the word “girlfriend” escapes his lips. He will put you ahead of Grand Theft Auto.
And let’s not forget the men, for whom we have created Rational Girl. Call Rational Girl only when, and if, you want to, not because you fear her wrath—Rational Girl knows nothing of using sex as a weapon. She is unfamiliar with the concept of baby-talk and her lower-lip will never protrude in a quivering mass of flesh laden with guilt trips. Rational Girl will not shriek at glass-shattering, Howler Monkey decibels when she sees a friend for the first time in 4 whole days. She may not hand you a stack of ones and fives for your pilgrimage to the adult ballet/shoe show/Women Against Restrictive Clothes Rally, but she does know that it doesn’t matter who pumps up the tires as long as she gets to ride the bike. She is not threatened by your porn collection: print, video and/or interactive.
She will never make you celebrate the 3 1/2-week anniversary of the first time you shared a basket of onion rings. Rational Girl has no tear ducts. She will not become completely unglued because of split ends or broken nails. She will not grudgingly accept your boys’ night out only to call the locksmith and shred your clothes in your absence. After two dates she will not doodle her first name with your last name. She will not name your future children nor will she book a church. Rational Girl doesn’t fake her orgasms because, frankly, she knows you don’t care. She will not take the relationship’s temperature every 12 minutes. She knows that unauthorized movements in the vicinity of the remote during sudden-death overtime will result in her drawing back a bloody stump. And Rational Girl’s biological clock has been removed for your sanity.
So there you have them, everyday superheroes for the new millennium. Should you find yourself caught in the bear-trap of non-tourist dating maybe one of these brave superheroes will come to your rescue. But rumor has it Rational Girl and Straightforward Man got all hammered at Shag’s last night and went home together.
At least we’ll always have Ohio.
