Because I Can

Originally published February 2004

Gentlemen, a moment of your time, if I might. Actually, before we get started, let me preface this column by saying that I am all for honesty and can appreciate a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. That being said, however, there is an alarming trend in t-shirts these days. Over the past few months some friends of mine, as well as myself, have been visually assaulted by a most revolting collection of t-shirt messages. And I thought this would be a good forum to speak for all the women who may also feel somewhat violated for having been involuntarily exposed to what I can only assume are the inner thoughts of the male mind. So here we go.

It is damn near impossible to offend me. And anyone who knows me knows that to be true. But on this particular night I was offended, appalled and, quite frankly, insulted. While out with some friends I was approached by a—and I use this term loosely—man who offered to buy me a drink. So far, so good. Introductions were made, hands were shaken and soon enough I found myself reading his t-shirt. Well, after processing the message emblazoned across his chest I wanted to wash my hands, no, scrub my hands. Repeatedly. With scalding hot water.

On his t-shirt was the cartoon image of a dog lying on his back, spread-eagle licking himself. Written underneath in large, capital letters were the words: BECAUSE I CAN. Well, naturally, my first thought was that I was being Punk’d. Then it occurred to me that I’m not famous. My second thought: Something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong if this chucklehead thinks walking over here and talking to me was a good idea. Third, and final, thought: God hates me.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Stop hanging out in trailer parks and get over yourself.” But I assure you that we were in a reputable establishment, and as far as the ego goes, I’m not hot. I’m the girl-next-door all the way. But this is not a matter of being “in” or “out” of someone’s league. This is about common decency and not offending half a room as soon as you enter it. Although, I have to say that even if I were ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road, I would still have standards and that guy still wouldn’t have a shot at the title.

All I’m saying is if you feel compelled to wear a t-shirt like this one stay home or, at the very least, keep to yourself. And if you do choose to go out don’t try to pick someone up—drink your beer, talk to your friends and go home. Because believe me idolizing the flexibility of an ordinary house pet does not make you a “catch.”

And for the record here a few other t-shirts that fall into the “not-if-you-were-the-last-man-on-Earth-and-I-was-out-of-batteries” category:

“Two Women Short Of A Threesome”: And hell-bent on staying that way, I see.

“Female Body Inspector”: Wait. Seriously? You’re checking out our bodies? Well, the cat’s really out of the bag now. If not for your t-shirt we would have kept thinking you were interested in our minds.

“I’m Here About The B***job”: As it turns out there is such a thing as being too honest. But please, please wear this t-shirt when you meet my father, provided you have a good health plan that covers hospital stays.

“I Choked Linda Lovelace”: Call me old-fashioned, but the first thing I’d like to know about you is your name. And let’s be honest, those are some pretty big shoes to fill. You’re setting me up to be seriously disappointed. (But if it’s true, my number’s on the bathroom wall, stud.)

This all may sound very shallow and in some respects it is, but I’m just trying to help. We want you to succeed as much as you do. We want to find you funny and smart and charming and sexy, but some of you are making that virtually impossible. For crying out loud, at least try to put your best foot forward. Consider the first impression and all it entails, and realize that our girlfriends are ruthless. Believe me when I tell you that hooking up with a guy wearing a “Caution: Pimp At Work” t-shirt is not something aspired to. Or easily lived down.

P.S. If anyone would care to discuss this topic further, I’ll be the one in the “Hourly Rates Now Available” t-shirt.