It’s February!! It’s February!!

Originally published February 2005

Oh, February! What a glorious month! Short, sweet and to the point. All New Year’s resolutions have been totally abandoned. College basketball season is in full swing. And February contains the best holiday of them all. A holiday of hope and anticipation; joy and, well, sometimes, disappointment. A holiday that brings people together and gives them reason to celebrate.

You better believe I’m talking about Groundhog Day!

Any of you who thought for one second that I was going to say Valentine’s Day, have clearly never met me.

So let’s see what will be going on in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania this year in honor of Groundhog Day and everybody’s favorite woodchuck, Phil.

The festivities begin January 28 with “Groundhog Wrestlefest” (which should never be confused with Groundhog WrestleMania). Now, I couldn’t get a whole lot of information on this, so I’m not sure if this is a groundhog on groundhog event, or if it’s humans vs. groundhogs, or what. Either way, I think PETA should be notified.

Let’s move to January 29. Phil’s Wedding Chapel will be open from 9-5. Tell me, if he sees his shadow after pronouncing you husband and wife how does that affect your happily-ever-after chances? Moving on to the Groundhog Cookie Decorating event, I gotta know: made from or just shaped like? And then there’s the Phil Phind III Scavenger Hunt. I think that sounds phat.

January 30. Let’s start off with the Groundhog Brunch. Again, featuring or honoring? Actually, looking at January 30, it’s eerily similar to January 29—Mr. Murray, you’re wanted on the set.

Skipping ahead to THE day, February 2. I have learned that the gates open at 3 a.m. in preparation for the 1.5-mile walk to Gobbler’s Knob. Have you ever been in Pennsylvania, in February, at three in the morning? Outside ain’t where you want to be. Not to mention his highness, Phil, is dead asleep in a cozy little groundhog bungalow. He’s laughing at you. Don’t think he’s not.

Punxsutawney Phil (Phil the phourteenth, by my math), who is known in those parts as the “Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet Extraordinary,” lives in unabashed woodchuck luxury in the Punxsutawney Library where he spends 364 days a year gorging himself on dog food and ice cream. Then on February 2, he is escorted (you better believe he’s got bodyguards, all the other groundhogs have to live in cold, dank burrows eating dirt all year, I’d be wary of woodchuck snipers too) to a heated burrow under a simulated tree stump (what kind of crap is that, a simulated tree stump) until 7:25 a.m. at which point he is yanked from the earth by his fur to play weatherman.

This furry rodent, who lives better than I do, may—or may not—see his shadow which will tell me if I am—or am not—going to freeze my ass off for another six weeks. No wonder the rest of the world laughs at us, we’re clearly not well as a collective people.

And if any of you try to tell me that he’s aware of what’s going on, what kind of pressure he’s under, I’ll have you committed. Think he gives a woodchuck’s chuck whether or not he sees his shadow? Hell no, he’s just wondering where the dog food and ice cream went.

So here’s the deal. This is what it all comes down to. If he sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter. No shadow, no more winter. Let’s take a look at Phil’s record, shall we? 94-14-9. You read correctly. That’s not a locker combination. In the history of this madness he has seen his shadow 94 times. That means that 94 times out of a possible 117 he has predicted—on the 2nd of February—that spring probably won’t show up for another six weeks. Sometime around the end of March.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t need a groundhog, legendary or garden variety, to tell me that spring will be here right around springtime. Seriously, I don’t.